Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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