Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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