You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
