I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
