I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
