If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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