woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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