Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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