Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
