I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
