whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
