I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize