he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
