I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I am available for nakedness
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
