I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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