Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
