It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
