why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
