drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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