I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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