they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize