My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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