Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
