Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
