he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
