dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize