kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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