i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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