my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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