You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
