Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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