It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
