bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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