I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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