So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
