OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
