do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
