You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
