so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
