There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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