Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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