I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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