1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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