Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
