he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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