5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize