just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
