So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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