After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
