There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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