Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
