Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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