I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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