I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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