could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
