I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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