Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
