Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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