No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
How's work?
Spinning.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
