just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
