my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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