Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
