She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
