I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
