I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
