fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
