im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
